Because God Was Bored

This is not a polished or "happy" essay. This is a scream I had to get out of my system. A walk through the Tenderloin in San Francisco became a spiritual rupture and spun me into existential crisis. And now I can't unsee the absurdity, the injustice, the despair, the ugliness, the fucking disaster, the pain, that is contained within the world, and frankly, within myself. So I wrote this raw, unfiltered, grief-laced piece. I didn't want to share it, at all, because fuck, its negative. But I had to. Because this soul-wound bled itself into existence and refused to be silenced.

Walking through the tenderloin in San Francisco on a rare, sunny summer day, and it’s insane. People in distress. People high as fuck. See this dude hunched over with his pants around their ankles, crack pipe out, feces everywhere, comic book open, face planted, passed out. 

The smells. God knows what kind of different drugs are wafting around, urine on the sidewalk, dude wearing an all gold suit, gold shiny shoes, slick fedora, grinning into a phone screen. Group of four, characters right out of grand theft auto, huddling around a pipe, trying to block the gale force wind to toke up, all right next to a children’s playground.

This place isn’t fucking real. This is where the San Francisco legend, Bubbles, was murdered, and the SF police didn’t do shit about it. 

A woman in a wife beater in a wheelchair with missing teeth looks at me and says “well you look spiffy today” I smile, feeling some form of acceptance from the throng, and I say “thank you!” and she says “you’re welcome!” and starts cackling like a wicked witch cafeteria lady. 

Interactivity is strong. Boom boxes and shenanigans. Everyone’s gettin high. It’s a rare sunny summer day. The sense of community is strong. And fucking intimidating. No other tech bros to be seen on Ellis and Leavenworth. Everyone seems to know each other, everyone’s probably buying drugs off of each other. Everyone has nap-sacks and backpacks full of random knick-knacks and treasures. Where is civilization? Why is this happening?

Homelessness, crime, drugs are huge fucking issues in San Francisco and there’s no good solution. This is systemic. This is generational. All you get is just heartbreak. There’s no quick fix. There’s no end to it. No matter what you do. It’s heartbreaking.

My issues diminish as I observe all this. They pale in comparison. Reality check—my pain, my issues, my struggles—as valid as they are—are fucking nothing compared to the difficulty that these humans experience. 

Where is “God” for these people? What is their dharma? Is it that their karma led themselves to these realities? Is it that they chose this reality to learn some lesson? What lesson are they learning? 

It doesn’t make any sense anyway that you slice it, no matter how you look at it it doesn’t make any sense. There is no "intelligence" behind this "design". Sartre was right—it's all a fucking farce.

And then you consider that this isn’t even the worst of it right now. Gaza. Ukraine. 1 million Russians, dead. 400k Ukrainians. Dead. 60k Palestinians, dead. Where is God now? And don’t even get me started on shit like the holocaust, or the Armenian genocide. I’m too fucking exhausted go down that path.

Sick dance, Siva. Way to experience yourself through this infinite-permutational-superpositioned-tesseract-mind-fuck. You’re a fucking masochist. 

Meanwhile, tyrant, lying, demagogue, authoritarian, autocratic, technocratic morons in power are here to replace democracy with fucking slavery so that they can rape humanity and dominate us forever with some sick and twisted narcissistic digital copy of their personality that they mistakingly think is their consciousness because they think they’re more of our savior than Jesus himself.  

Faith is a delusional fucking luxury. It’s a story that we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better, but when you look into reality,God is nowhere to be found. There’s nothing that can convince me that there’s any sort of benevolent omnipotent creator, because if there was, there’s no way that any of this would ever fucking happen.

No amount of goodness justifies the horrors of the world. Nothing can justify the evil atrocities that humans are capable of even if there is some glorious "end" that may be reached. I will not accept that Machiavellian mindset. God has a plan? Tell that to the mother that just lost their child to a drone strike. God has a plan? More like—God has a half baked screenplay for a fucking horror film.

So why this hellscape? No one knows. To forget what we are and then remember? To experience it all? To evolve the soul? Because god was bored? Because utopias are boring? No one knows. And if god doesn’t exist, WE are all thats left. And where the fuck are WE? We allow this? 

What a fucking mess. What a colossal shit-show. 

Welcome to Earth, humans. Where the rape runs DEEP, because god was bored.